Worth it.

I never journaled about 9/11. And growing up, I didn't take any pictures of my best friend Katy Lucas. And up to this point, I have not yet blogged about Austin.

It seems that the most obvious, life changing events seem to be overlooked in the world of writing. Not because they are not important, but because they are SO important. How can you possibly capture them in words? When something holds such a large part of your heart and life captive, do you really have time to stop and write of it?

For me, writing is a way to process. A way to make things real. A way to never forget. But, when the large, obvious thing is what makes me process. When it is, already, so very real. And when it needs not written to be remembered. It is then, that is is not written of.

Austin has entered my life, in such a Way, only he could. And it is obvious. And real. And something I shall not be forgetting. Austin, you are worth writing about, I just don't think that my writings can do you justice.

On Writing

"Every once in a while, when I write, I feel that feeling of a thousand slender threads coming together, strands of who I've been and who I'm becoming, the long moments at the computer and the tiny bits of courage, the middle of the night prayers and the exact way God made me, not wrong or right, just me. I feel like I'm doing what I came to do, in the biggest sense. That's why I write, because sometimes, every once in a while, I feel entirely at home in the universe, a welcome and wonderful feeling. I could cry at the feeling, because it happens so rarely. Doing the hard work of writing makes me feel like I am paying rent at the cosmic level, doing the thing that I can do to make the world a little better decorated. Writing wakes me up, lights me on fire, opens my eyes to the things I can never see and feel when I am hiding under the covers, cowering and consumed with my own failures and fears. "

Shauna Niequist - Bittersweet p.161-162

I totally agree with and come along side her words, an echo of I AGREE!

To sing Hallelujah

I am reading this book called "bittersweet." The author writes short chapters, discussing short chapters within her own life. By using names and telling stories. As I rode the 72 bus this morning on the way to pre-school, I was captivated by a few of the pages that I read.

She wrote about the season she was currently in. About living with her husband and her small son, and being lonely. About how she had just come from a very rough spot, but did not recognize in it the joys of being in it.

"I'm able to see now that what made that season feel so terrible to me were not the changes. What made that season feel so terrible is that I lost track of some of the crucial beliefs and practices that every Christian must carry with them..."

I think about this. How much I say I desire change. It seems though, that when I am in the midst of change (which is like my entire last year), I seem to handle it quite terribly. I have been blaming my terrible attitude on all of the changes, and trying to "handle them." But, this is a very low blow blame. What makes me feel terrible is that I am losing track of some of my crucial beliefs. When I become focused on me, I begin to trust in myself, which shows my distrust in God. Which is like me saying that I do not believe he is good. But He is! He is Good! He is trust worthy! And if I would just let him have it, and not worry about the changes, I think I would find this to not be a terrible season, but a very purifying experience...

She then wrote about a weekend where she flew to California to spend three days with her college friends and their small babies. How they just rejoiced in every single squeezed out moment of lemonade life that weekend. And how if you are still in that season where you live with those people, to continue squeezing out every moment.

I can't help but thinking about the season I am in. I mean, I blog about it practically every day for gosh sake. (http://welaughbecause.wordpress.com/) Because I know that it is good. But, reading her words, about how life will be. How the day will come when we will not all live in the same house... or city for that matter. How we will be spread all over this country and world. How we will rejoice in memories past. I know right now, that I serve a very good God, that he allows such a powder sugar covered season to exist.

I know too, that an end does come to all good things. And because of The Fall, we can not live our lives in secluded community with those relationships close to perfection. We must venture out into the world, furthering His Kingdom. But, there is great peace when I think of eternity. When I think of the word forever, and how very long of a time that is. What a party heaven will be! It would be very selfish for us to keep to ourselves the Joy of our Savior, so we must, for a short time, share of ourselves while here on earth. But, we have a hope, a hope of a day to come when pain and suffering shall exist no more. When the hallelujahs sung to our King are echoing off golden streets. Forever and Ever...

So, while I am in this season of churning change, and powder sugar covered joys, I will trust in my Good God, and share of his perfections, awaiting the day when together we will sing unending Hallelujahs!

At the end of the day...

I know that God is good.

On writing Books

I often use the phrase, "Someday, when I write a book..."

And I proceed to say what I would write. How the instance that just took place would be re-written, and only slightly exaggerated for the readers entertainment. For a long time, I thought I would just write one book, it would be a mix of my thoughts and stories, kind of like Blue like Jazz. But now, there will be three.

1. The first one will be my thoughts. The lessons I have learned over the years, the things that God has just pounded into my heart, and how they changed me into the person I am today.

2. About my Aunts and family dynamics. I am convinced that my mom, 4 aunts and Grammy make up the best combination of women that ever existed. The stories I have from growing up are enough to keep anyone rolling on the ground with chest pains from laughter, and a shirt drenched in tears.

3. This is my new book. About my house. You put 7 girls in one house, who choose to purposefully live life together, and you have a big book of stories. Every day we find ourselves laughing at our life. At its glories, at its poverty, at the Lords goodness. So a new book is on its way... I just need to be writing some of it down so I don't forget in 30 years when I do get a chance to write this book!

Little Star

There you are little star, resting.

Resting in the darkness; shining bright.

You are secure and confidant little star, resting.

I stare at you and am amazed. Do you even know of your own beauty?

You are familiar that’s true, to a foreign eye only glancing your way…

But to me, you are familiar, because I know you.

I created you.

Your beauty is not that you are like the rest, but because you dwell in my rest.

Your beauty little star  shows in your ability to be who you are, just where you are.

You are able to be you, the little star I created, and you don’t need to be more.

You don’t need to be part of the Milky Way, but you are.

You don’t need to one day soar in a meteor shower… but you will.

And today, you are a little star, one among millions, and you don’t try to change.

Thank you little star, for staying little.

For keeping your glitter.

Its ok to shine.

Look to the moon, and your own radiance will amaze you.

Because I love to shine through my little stars.

The Audacity

So my sister sent me this book for Christmas. Its called “Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married yet?” I opened it and was like, REALLY? And inside there was a little note that read, “Heather, please don’t be offended by the title, this author is one of my favorite…” And so, because it was my sister who gave the book, and she has only ever given great books, I gave it a try… And it was one of the best books I have ever read! I gave up on relationship and singleness books a few years ago. Besides “Passion and Purity” by Elisabeth Elliot, I was tired of empty words of “encouragement” That was not very encouraging, but, this author is amazing!

It is the new house book, the third person is already starting on it, and we are all making notes, I am not sure if there will be any lines left to underline once we are done with it. The thing about the book is that it is brutally honest. And it is not about singleness, not really. It is about being a woman, and how you carry yourself. She is just straight up, and confronting. Sarah said “its like your mom or sister is talking … you want to be defensive at everything she says. You want to yell at her and tell her you WILL NOT try that , when you know you most certainly will.'”

I grew tired of hearing “once you are content being single you will get into a relationship. Show me that in the Bible. But you know what scripture does say? It says love the Lord you God, it says respect your father, it says to work hard and to strive to a life of purity. To cling to the Lord and he will direct your path. To spend your time in his courts. That a father gives good gifts to his children. That he created man and woman to be one. His word is full of promises, but not on a time line. His promises are based upon our obedience, not on completion of tasks. It is not a scavenger hunt that rewards a husband at the end.

This book talked much about guarding your relationships with men, with single men with your friends married husbands, with your fathers. It talked about being a woman who loves the Lord, she encouraged you to seek Him out now. To make habits that will last. To learn how to do things, to clean and study  and enjoy life. She talked about relationships with other girls, and creating boundaries even there, to not be too dependent upon each other, both physically and emotionally. She talked about getting over yourself; rid of selfishness and hatred and bitterness. And she talked on lies. How we make up and believe lies, and we try to convince others of them, “I don’t want to be married, I am happy being single, am too busy for a relationship. If I were really a Christian, I would be able to accept being single. If I were really trusting the Lord, I would have contentment without a relationship.” But, the Lord cant forgive imaginary sin. We feel guilt about things that we shouldn’t feel guilty about and beg him to forgive us, when he is begging us to just trust him and be honest that we are longing. And then, she talked about beautifying. We loved this chapter most. About beautifying yourself, your appearance, your heart, your home, your activities. The Lord loves beauty, and he wants us to enjoy and dwell in that. As young women, we often feel guilty about beauty, feeling like we should wait, saying yes to the some day notion. But, as we read through and discussed this chapter the other night, we all just jumped on it. Yes! Embrace beauty. Now. The way that we carry ourselves and present ourselves and our home.

Anyways, this book has just brought about the beginning of conversations and blogs I am sure.