At the end of the day...

I know that God is good.

On writing Books

I often use the phrase, "Someday, when I write a book..."

And I proceed to say what I would write. How the instance that just took place would be re-written, and only slightly exaggerated for the readers entertainment. For a long time, I thought I would just write one book, it would be a mix of my thoughts and stories, kind of like Blue like Jazz. But now, there will be three.

1. The first one will be my thoughts. The lessons I have learned over the years, the things that God has just pounded into my heart, and how they changed me into the person I am today.

2. About my Aunts and family dynamics. I am convinced that my mom, 4 aunts and Grammy make up the best combination of women that ever existed. The stories I have from growing up are enough to keep anyone rolling on the ground with chest pains from laughter, and a shirt drenched in tears.

3. This is my new book. About my house. You put 7 girls in one house, who choose to purposefully live life together, and you have a big book of stories. Every day we find ourselves laughing at our life. At its glories, at its poverty, at the Lords goodness. So a new book is on its way... I just need to be writing some of it down so I don't forget in 30 years when I do get a chance to write this book!

Little Star

There you are little star, resting.

Resting in the darkness; shining bright.

You are secure and confidant little star, resting.

I stare at you and am amazed. Do you even know of your own beauty?

You are familiar that’s true, to a foreign eye only glancing your way…

But to me, you are familiar, because I know you.

I created you.

Your beauty is not that you are like the rest, but because you dwell in my rest.

Your beauty little star  shows in your ability to be who you are, just where you are.

You are able to be you, the little star I created, and you don’t need to be more.

You don’t need to be part of the Milky Way, but you are.

You don’t need to one day soar in a meteor shower… but you will.

And today, you are a little star, one among millions, and you don’t try to change.

Thank you little star, for staying little.

For keeping your glitter.

Its ok to shine.

Look to the moon, and your own radiance will amaze you.

Because I love to shine through my little stars.

The Audacity

So my sister sent me this book for Christmas. Its called “Why isn’t a pretty girl like you married yet?” I opened it and was like, REALLY? And inside there was a little note that read, “Heather, please don’t be offended by the title, this author is one of my favorite…” And so, because it was my sister who gave the book, and she has only ever given great books, I gave it a try… And it was one of the best books I have ever read! I gave up on relationship and singleness books a few years ago. Besides “Passion and Purity” by Elisabeth Elliot, I was tired of empty words of “encouragement” That was not very encouraging, but, this author is amazing!

It is the new house book, the third person is already starting on it, and we are all making notes, I am not sure if there will be any lines left to underline once we are done with it. The thing about the book is that it is brutally honest. And it is not about singleness, not really. It is about being a woman, and how you carry yourself. She is just straight up, and confronting. Sarah said “its like your mom or sister is talking … you want to be defensive at everything she says. You want to yell at her and tell her you WILL NOT try that , when you know you most certainly will.'”

I grew tired of hearing “once you are content being single you will get into a relationship. Show me that in the Bible. But you know what scripture does say? It says love the Lord you God, it says respect your father, it says to work hard and to strive to a life of purity. To cling to the Lord and he will direct your path. To spend your time in his courts. That a father gives good gifts to his children. That he created man and woman to be one. His word is full of promises, but not on a time line. His promises are based upon our obedience, not on completion of tasks. It is not a scavenger hunt that rewards a husband at the end.

This book talked much about guarding your relationships with men, with single men with your friends married husbands, with your fathers. It talked about being a woman who loves the Lord, she encouraged you to seek Him out now. To make habits that will last. To learn how to do things, to clean and study  and enjoy life. She talked about relationships with other girls, and creating boundaries even there, to not be too dependent upon each other, both physically and emotionally. She talked about getting over yourself; rid of selfishness and hatred and bitterness. And she talked on lies. How we make up and believe lies, and we try to convince others of them, “I don’t want to be married, I am happy being single, am too busy for a relationship. If I were really a Christian, I would be able to accept being single. If I were really trusting the Lord, I would have contentment without a relationship.” But, the Lord cant forgive imaginary sin. We feel guilt about things that we shouldn’t feel guilty about and beg him to forgive us, when he is begging us to just trust him and be honest that we are longing. And then, she talked about beautifying. We loved this chapter most. About beautifying yourself, your appearance, your heart, your home, your activities. The Lord loves beauty, and he wants us to enjoy and dwell in that. As young women, we often feel guilty about beauty, feeling like we should wait, saying yes to the some day notion. But, as we read through and discussed this chapter the other night, we all just jumped on it. Yes! Embrace beauty. Now. The way that we carry ourselves and present ourselves and our home.

Anyways, this book has just brought about the beginning of conversations and blogs I am sure.

2011 Lessons learned

A good friend of mine and I were talking about the new year, reflecting on the last. The question was posed “ what stood out in 2011? What themes?” And immediately I was able to see these things that the Lord has been spilling out again and again.

1) Joy and Grief must co-exist. There has been much grief this year. Having my sister live so far away, leaving Multnomah to start at Portland State, and losing my Grammy in September. I have always associated grief to be a negative emotion, and negative therefore being associated with sin. What I have been learning instead is that grief is a beautiful thing. Grief is an emotion that our Lord felt and expressed. But without knowing joy first, I would not have recognized the grief. And because I let myself feel the grief, the joy that came in the morning was so much greater! To feel one fully, I had to feel the other. This had been an ongoing conversation with many of my friends as we allow ourselves to feel more fully.

2) Relinquishing Control. I am a bit of a control freak, I’ll admit that. Sometimes over the top OCD, sometimes just desiring attention. It is true that I have leadership skills and that people look to me to make decision, but desiring to be in constant control is not what the Lord had in mind I am sure. My friends are constantly encouraging me with the word “relinquish”. Let someone else take over, even if it is not as good, giving up control is humbling and sacrificing and painful … and so good. This played itself out in the house this summer, and I let people plan and initiate and clean in their own ways. I had to learn that the community house I live in is not mine, it is ours. And because it is ours, I am not allowed to take control of it. Also, not having a car this past year has helped me lose control. I can not make the bus take me places faster. And when I did not have a job, I could not make money come from nowhere, I had to trust and relinquish to the Lord that he was in control.

In 2010, my big word of the year was TRUST. The Lord was constantly asking me “Do you trust me more than you trust yourself?” Ouch. How often my answer was “no.” And this summer as I relinquished to him, I saw that his plans were so much better than what I could plan for myself. I had no idea how much I would love taking public transit, riding my bike to my job at the park, attending public school, working at MACYS, having a roommate (who is amazing!) After I planned and planned and planned, and my plans fell through, I finally said, “Ok Lord, fine, I relinquish." My words were pretty empty at first, and it took a while for my heart to catch up, but when it did… wow. He just knows what we need. A father gives good gifts to his children.

I am blown away at this past year. All that has taken place, all the ways I have changed. All the ways the Lord proved himself faithful. But as fun as this past year was, it was hard… and I will tell you what, 2012 holds some pretty exciting things, and I can’t wait for the Lord to reveal them!

Tippity Tap Grandma Lady

Hello Grandma Lady. I watch you in the mirror as you tap, tap, tipity, tap away. I am not a creeper, you are just there in my eyes view. And you are ADORABLE. Perhaps I think this is just because you are over the age or 70 and have grey hair and are hunched a little. Those characteristics alone make me just LOVE you!

As I sit here on my little “mini” notebook, and write this blog. You tipity, tap away and are much more tech savvy than I. You may not have ever learned to use a type writer, but you sure know your way around that ipad. I am proud of you Grandma Lady, for keeping up with the times, for passing me up. I still get confused with those touch screens. I know when I am your age, I will have given up long before, and will have resorted back in time to the old fashioned crocheting on my front porch. But then again, maybe that is not a step back… it is what I do now. And maybe you are not typing at all… but playing a crochet game on that ipad? I shall not know… because I am not that much of a creeper to find out.

Well Grandma Lady, you get the impressive award of the day. Keep tapping along.

Diamond Stars.

In Portland, you can’t really see the stars. We makes jokes about “seeing THE STAR.” I mean, you can usually see the planets, and the airplanes landing a mile away. It is usually cloudy, and when it is not, I strain my eyes to the sky. But you can’t see stars.

Tonight as I briskly walked home from Multnomah, I looked up at the trees, the ones that are a season behind and still have leafs clinging despite the frozen stillness. And when looked up into the sky, I saw the stars. Like more than one. More than just the planets, and satellites and airplanes. I saw stars. They were crisp and clear and in clusters, I could almost make out where the Milky Way was. I know I couldn’t actually see that … but all my nights of star dazing when at camp in eastern Oregon, it helps me imagine the map of the sky and know where it would be, could I actually see it.

The stars were brilliant in the cold air. They twinkled, and twinkled. Those little stars. I guess that is where the song came from? What was cool, was that the ground mirrored the sky. You know those National Geographic pictures of lakes that mirror a sunset or a mountain? It was like that. But no lake. No mountain. The ground was frozen. And on the ground, there were shinning, and shimmering drops of glory.

I heard a girl say today, that it is like the Lord covers the ground nightly with dew drop diamonds on every last leaflet. Ahh… Yes, that was exactly it. We were one degree below freezing tonight. And those little ice crystals just seemed to jump right out of the sky and onto that grassy lawn.

And I was singing this song. And these lyrics. And it was wonderful.

“Sometimes You're further than the moon
Sometimes You're closer than my skin”

That’s my God for you. Displaying a Tiffany’s just for me to enjoy on my walk home. And tonight, though I saw the moon, he was closer than my skin.